I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
