i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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