she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
