Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
