when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize