you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
she pinky promised me she was 18
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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