I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
