My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
