We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
