Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
