Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Randomize
