how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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