Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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