if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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