remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
