you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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