i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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