i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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