I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You are the jesus of drinking
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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