Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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