you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
