i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
