i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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