Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
