dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
