his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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