went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
