dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I faked an abortion last night.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
