Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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