its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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