i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
