Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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