I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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