i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
