I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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