you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
