that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
