my shit smells like andre
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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