There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
