Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
