This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
