I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Randomize
