I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Randomize
