getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
