Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
