we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
