My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize