I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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