yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
