I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
