I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
