Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Randomize
