so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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