As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
