I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
