He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize