My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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