I think my fart just growled at me.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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