Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
