Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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