I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
