I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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