but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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