I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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