wanna go halves on a baby?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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