party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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