she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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