I should be sponsored by Trojan
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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