I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
