i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Drake has all the answers
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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