He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You need a sexual gate keeper
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
