Pappa wants mamma naked
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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