Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
