I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
