today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
